|He’s Killing Me|

By Melody Mohnhaupt

“I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.” Galatians 2:20

     Chances are, you've heard this verse before. If you are a Christian, you probably claim to want this to some degree or another. It’s easier to say than to do, such as most things in life. But, I mean, who in their right mind really longs to “die”?  

     I’ve known of this concept since forever it seems and in the last few years, have truly desired this over my life. However, it wasn't ’til very recently that the Lord kind of showed it to me in a new (or maybe just clearer) way. 

     Since I have surrendered my life to the Lord, I have “changed” a lot (in a good way I’d say). I used to see it as God transforming me. (And I still believe that he does this) But just recently, the Lord gave me a simple word. He said, “I’m not changing you. I’m killing you”. Wow. That sounds a little morbid. But, remember, this is strictly spiritual. Once I started thinking about it, it was like a whole new revelation from the Lord.

     Each day as I continue to walk with the Lord, he kills a little part of the old me. 

“Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.” 2 Corinthians 5:17 

He kills a little bit of my selfishness, my greed, my doubt, my fear, my timidity, and all of the qualities that I relinquish to him as we walk together. I picture myself as almost a hollow shell of a body that is full of my own ways, and each time a part of me dies, it evaporates from the shell; leaving available space. This space in now vacant for Jesus to come fill it with himself. As this process continues, gradually, I become filled with more of him, and less of myself. To where, eventually, I will be completely dead, and Jesus will be alive in me.

     I’ve spoken to someone about this topic before, and got almost reprimanded for - I guess, “selling myself short” (in their opinion). They thought I was giving up and not believing in myself by wanting to let go of myself and be filled with Jesus. This concept nearly infuriated them. They saw it as an excuse for having low self confidence. They told me things like, ‘NO! YOU can do anything YOU put your mind to! YOU are great! You don't need God to be in you to feel “good enough” or to accomplish what you want to. YOU are great all n your own!” And so many other things that were along those lines. 

     I understood what this person was trying to say, but at the same time, it was (in many ways) conflicting with the Word. It was people with this mentality in the Bible that were cast down. Lucifer, for example, trusted in his own power over God (his creator’s) power. He was casted down from heaven. Nebuchadnezzar boasted in his own works (which were, in reality, the works of God). He was turned into a beastly creature, So many others in the Bible exemplified pridefulness, and each time it resulted in a severe penalty.

“For the day of the Lord of hosts shall be upon every one that is proud and lofty, and upon every one that is lifted up; and he shall be brought low:” Isaiah 2:12

“Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.” Proverbs 16:18

    I realize that I have talents and great qualities that, even if I didn't die to myself, I could probably accomplish some cool things in life. But here’s the thing. I believe whole-heartedly that God gave me each talent and quality that I have. And not only to do with it whatever I want to do, but to use it to bring glory and honor to His Name. 

     The closer I get with his, the greater my desire becomes to die. I want to be used for His glory. I want His will to be done in my life. I want to be filled with Him. 

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.” 

Isaiah 55:8-9

     I guess my point is, living a life filled with Jesus and his ways, far exceeds a life filled with my own. An empty shell of a body is MUCH better off filled with Jesus that filled with me. He is So Far above be. I’m honored that he would even want to dwell in me. I don’t want to live. I want to die - so that Jesus can live.